Love and predation in times of Corona (part 2/3)

A narcissistic predator

I came back to France a week later. I didn’t beg him. I understood that this whole story had been a horrendous game for him, a narcissistic exercise executed to perfection by dint of practice. See what a woman can do for me. How far she will go. See how I break her, by re-enacting those two deep wounds she told me about, abandonment and abuse. See how I walk away untouched and remorseless. See my power. The crime was all the more perfect because no one would ever know about it. His impunity was absolute: I was far away, his friends, his family, would never know anything about what he had done to me. The image he fostered on social networks of a cultured, caring, witty person was intact.

Yet I wasn’t the only person he manipulated in this way. Women saw the tweet where I was attacking him and contacted me privately. They told me their stories. He owed money to some of them, which he borrowed to finance what I learned was regular cocaine use. His main techniques consisted in lies and brutal abandonment from one day to the next, playing the victim. This man was a compulsive seducer with a grandiose image of himself, who fed off the admiration and pain of the women he drew to him.

I reported him to the dating site where we had met. They listed him as a predator. And I decided to write, because I had not unmasked him despite my history of suffering and a work of self-reflection and analysis to protect myself. So what had I missed, or refused to see?

Signs not to ignore

Narcissistic and manipulative beings like Y, who is a perverse and almost sadistic version of them, are capable of great psychological and emotional violence. Their character traits are now known and documented, and are warning signs that should never be ignored.

· Most of the time they have an overinflated ego. Y puts himself forward in all areas — literature, gastronomy, wines, European culture, romanticism and attention to others. He sought to embody knowledge, perfection, sophistication, in all things, from arts to food, love and friendship. His tweets consist of witty words, intelligent comments, attentions that always seem sincere. His statements on Facebook are grandiloquent, intended to enlighten the ignorant, or show himself as an admirer of strong women. He appears on his Facebook page as Toussaint Louverture. He describes himself on his Twitter account as a “sentient being, musicologist, gastronome, lover of all things righteous “ (sic).

· Narcissists permanently pose as victims, especially in their love life. According to Y, all his former partners were emotionally unsettled, unstable, or perverse. He had only been a victim of their immaturity or cruelty. The relationships had ended only because they had been unable to resolve their internal turmoil, or because they had abusively attacked him. Whenever I asked him about what he had learned from it, he would cut the conversation short.

· They constantly shift responsibilities. Y would disappear for several days, without a warning. He could leave my messages read and unanswered for days on end. When I would tell him that I was in disarray, he would roll his eyes, his body language would express his annoyance. I over-reacted. I had to understand him — his pain, his responsibilities, his life. If he had said something offensive, he would apologize and blame me at the same time. Even when he conceded something, which happened rarely, he immediately affirmed his greatness: “I am not so big as to nevr admit my faults”.

· For narcissists, only their own desires and reality matter in a relationship. After the phase of a powerful declared love and an almost daily contact, Y dictated the rhythm of our relationship. We spoke only when he was available. His favourite weapon was silence, which he skilfully alternated with periods of warmth and intimacy. He would spend days leaving my messages unanswered, then we would talk. I had to understand him. He had been busy, ill, depressed, grieving. He was a free being, living in the moment. I had to understand him. My needs and expectations didn’t matter unless I was in tears. Then he would come back, gentle, attentive, loving. Always in control.

· They are courted by others. By saying this, narcissists create a form of insecurity in you. They make you understand how lucky you are and how precarious your situation is. He told me several times that he was very courted, that many women were infatuated with him and desired him. He even went so far as to blame women for his own wickedness, telling me one day, literally, that he “sometimes had to behave in a horrible way so that women would leave him alone”.

· Narcissists orchestrate their image, and their impunity, skilfully. Y put up a perfect front. His public image was that of a cultured and caring person, a lover of literature, justice, beautiful things, a free being. I checked several dates. Each absence coincided with a moment spent flaunting himself, socially or on social networks, being sensitive, militant, fair or generous. Narcissists organise their impunity so well that their lies are often infinitely more credible than the truth known to their victims.

His monstrosity and impunity repulsed me. But a wonderful woman, in a moment of grace, courage and enlightment, was going to do justice.